I remember having mentioned her in my last blog, I mean her comments on the changed look of the blog. Lots of queries on this mystery woman. (Madam "X", must be giggling right now). I totally understood the fact given that we are constantly searching for a face, an identification....we cannot accept people like Spiderman, Superman, Batman as they are....We want to know who they really are..... Well it matters to them though. Anounimity tends to beget a freedom of expression which may otherwise may not come naturally.
Madam "X" works in Delhi, but not a Delhite. (For typo ease, i will refer her as X) X is sophisticated and classy. But she is not snobbish. She can carry herself very well in both traditional and modern attire. (But I guess the traditional Indian wears look real good on her. The best ones are the bandini ones) She mostly listens to rock music (Zombie is her favorite song), but can associate with soft numbers as well..but mostly english. Hindi songs are..... well....optional....( Like the other day, she said, "Kishore used to sing wel..I mean Kishore Kumar)She has her views on issues, which are point blank and straight. These views are well thought of, but they are not uncouth and unparliamentary. In fact X maintains an absolutely enviable aura around her. She is approachable and friendly. But one must not mistake that for friendship. Its another thing to have her number and another to talk to her. She is a good listener and is an excellent counsellor. She laughs and appreciates jokes with nods. Armed with a radiant face, you might even mistake her for a celebrity fighting for social causes. I often tell her that she has an "Ageless" beauty. While she refutes it politely, I am adamant that there are people who grow old gracefully. Not that she is in her 40s going on to 50s. And unabashedly I classify her in that category.
There are people in my life, there are friends, there are enemies, there are people I would not want to meet, there are people I love and can go to any length and she does not fit into any one of them. (She always says that I love to categorise people as if It was some food chain. The truth is that I am insecure about people) She is a character in herself. In fact there are certain things that I do not understand, and one of them is how and why I should be friends with this Madam "X".
Our first few meetings revolved around my churlish poetry. To one such stupid line, she said, "Ahemm...Deepak thats a good line, but I believe the use of words within words is quite confusing...I am sure its profound, but it would be nice if you can decipher it for me..." After a long time while sipping beer at Cafe Mondegar in Mumbai I realised that she was actually making fun of me. Her poetry were so deep and the use of words was limited...Just five lines with five words in each line...that did not rhyme......I was like what kind of poetry this is that doesnt rhyme....neither is it confusing.....what is so great about writing lucid poetry.....what a stupid poetess...though I could never make out any head or tail of her poetry, but I always appreciated it. ......So it began.....
I am "Confusion personified"....I have many agony aunts and uncles....I try to get a mix of views, collate and finally arrive at a plan of action...sounds managerial and definitely not for normal human beings.....It would also give an impression that I have all the time in the world and aloot of problems at hand. Well these issues range from "people pains" to "social and national issues"....sure I do.........One of my agaony aunt was (or is, whichever way you to put it) X. X used to listen very patiently and answer my stupid queries......I felt she was relating to my problems more than I could myself...I really enjoyed her answers...In fact I had so many issues and problems in life that whenever we used to meet to discuss my problems, we used to call it, "The Madam "X" show"...where she would act like an interviewer, I would be the the interviewee...she would question me and I would answer as if it were a talk show......At the end of it, we would often burst out laughing at our childishness of the whole thing..
Even though, our range of topics expanded it never encroached upon the life of X. Each time I would want to know more, she was political about it. Giving me stray answers without referring to any particular incident and definitely not people, that would leave me all confused. Any specific question would be bulwarked against an invisible chinese wall that I so wanted to break into....I would get frustrated and keep thinking on what is keeping her mind off from sharing her life with me when I was practically naked before her...All my friends take deep interest in each other's lives. Or at least that was the case some time back. We tried to be involved everywhere in their lives. We took it as a matter personal aspertion if any of them hid anything......but thats the way it was......X was always non challant about the whole thing and found this constant scrutiny in lives very claustrophobic.
It never mattered to her, her privacy was of primary importance. Life went on as normal. The desperation to know more about X became sporadic and eventually died down. I was happy that I had a sounding board, whom I can call upon anytime in the day. I might be sounding very selfish, like a parasite. She never gave me the impression that she was not impressed with my company. Because she never said no, whenever I asked her out. We would discuss on numerous matters, people, her parents, her school and college but never her very personal and deep thoughts.
I have made my own attempts to make her as comfortable with me as far as I could. After I returned to Delhi, I tried to meet her up on possibly every weekend. Once, she told me that she had got promoted. The next day I lied at my office & delivered a bouquet of flowers....personally. While her response was lukewarm, which sort of upset me the most...But I was offerred a compensatory lunch...I was realizing..this was going nowhere........I think what really upset me was that we never had any major fight or disagreement. ....fights and disagreements are part of growing up........Both us remained forver political and choosy about the expression of thoughts with each other lest they upset either one of us........
A time came, when I started to hear about the events of her life from others. Even though it was staring at me, I respected her space and never tried to breach it. I never asked or enquired about it. While others talked and gossiped about it around me, I would stare elsewhere refuting what was being offered to me. I was sure that things like these are definitely shared with "close" people. Thats when it hit me. I still batted for her at various public forums justifying her decisions. It was not my responsibility, but I was trying my best.It was getting really mysterious to me.
How can a person do that? What is this fear about telling me personal things when the whole world knows about it? Was I being too curious? People always trusted me, they believed me. Even though I pressed hard, it was futile. But I never asked her any personal questions on her life. She never asked me for any help, even when "I thought" she desperately needed one. Only thing I had to offer was, "I hope you have friends whom you are talking and who want the good of you." X replies, "Dont worry Deepak. I am alright. I am talking to friends." I was dumbfounded. It was a good slap. I thought to myself and said sarcastically to myself, "So, who are you Mr. Perfect in her life?". Since, I am confused all the time, I am forever searching for clarity in decisions, events and people.
Finally I lost hope with her. I thought May be something was wrong with me. There was a hiatus of over an year. In between, I found it hard not to message or ask her whereabouts. The irritating part was that she never even noticed my absence. While narrating this chain of events to one of my friends in Mumbai, I asked him, "What do you think?". Like a typical mumbaikar he replied, "Whats with you dilliwalas. Just enjoy the company and the time. Why think so much? Besides its her life, her set of mistakes, her people. I dont think its really a matter to get upset about the fact that you should know everything about her. I am sure there are umpteen things about you that she doesnt know. Has she ever castigated you for that?Not many people are lucky to have people around them and here you are merrily shunting them away. I think you should call her". In a drunken state, I called her and she was talking to me as if nothing had happened. Here I was in deep contemplation mood on how can a person be there and not be there with you and this lady hardly has any clue. I did manage to vent out my anger at her for her apathy for which I got a muted response. The next day I apologised for my behavior.
I realised over the hiatus that partly the problem was with expectation. I know it sounds cliched, but it was back to the basics. I ruminated over it, sorted out that the problem was with me. It must have been easier for me to have blamed it on her and moved on and left a beautiful person along the way. I guess thats what maturity is all about. Maturity is about accepting that you can never have the entire world at your feet and feel happy over it. I called her one day. While we have always had an open discussion, but when it concerns tricky issues, we always impersonalise it to make it more comfortable. Thats really innocence lost.. I feel sad. She says I am judgemental ...too much...Well so is she....But that day while talking, I confessed my problem with her...and again.....she just said, "Ahemmm.." I realised that though one must be spending time with you, listening to you, being a really good company does not necessarily translate into good friendship.
While re-reading this blog, I have realised that I have made her quite a villain in this whole situation. I do not feel it that way as I think that people are different and react in their own ways based on experience in the past. Its totally natural. What is not natural are people like me who are emotional, impractical, quixotic, unrealistic, unreasonable ...and whatever whatever with people.
I do not know how to end this, but I have to else it will become veeery boring....So, thats the brief introduction of Madam X. She will be a regular now on my blogs because of her urbane and sophisticated views and perspectives....And yes, we are back to gether....(She wants to break free , but I am not letting her go.... poor girl must be cursing the time she met me......must be saying to herself, "Why didnt I lie to him that I dont write poetry")
Two days back I lied to her and picked her up from her office on the pretext that I was going on the way to her home. When she asked me what my work was around her home. I replied, "You are such a priveleged company that I have to cook up stories to be with you.." I winked.....
