Why this Kolaveri di?

Its been some time since Madam left....Since then I have given life numerous turns... some driven by my pursuit out of frustration and most out of my own to redefine myself....goes without saying that it was an ordeal...

It was late July 2011, when fate brought me to chennai...a place I am not greatly fond of......more so with respect to finding my life partner.....I landed in Chennai with a different purpose...I asked for trouble when I involved myself in the assignment.... It was being run by the person who brought me to knees...but such is my magnanimity that I decided to give it all I had.....I bore all the rebukes and rebuttal of the client on my face......so shameless I was that the client became a great personal friend over time.....even though the client believed that we delivered not to their expectations........those 15 days I was thankful to my previous job for having made me thick-skinned enough to take shouting of client...


In the midst of all confusion, my parents fixed my meeting with a girl......As arrogant as I am, I rubbished it as just another enquiry.....after much pursuation, we exchanged numbers....it was refreshing to talk somebody with no baggage....2 sleepless nights were spent talking absolute nonsense.....the girl seemed impressed.....even in the most plush hotel, I had nights where I wondered if my search had actually ended....


Everyday the status of the deal changed colors like a chameleon.....even though I had closed my advisory business in the winter of 2003, I had to re-open it for the benefit of this silly deal that was going to benefit some unknown poor people......but still I pursued....I was not sure of who this girl was and how she looked....even though I enjoyed pouring my heart to her.....sharing my not-so-intimate secrets with her...but some remained hidden though.....the conversation reached a point where meeting became of paramount importance....As one of the heated debated negotiation ended at 10pm on 21st July , I called upon the lady.....response was positive...the first meeting was extremely uncomfortable.....I was not impressed....I decided to give it a pass......


The deal was signed on 22nd at 11pm and I was as emotional as I am...Exulted I took pictures...even though everybody was making faces....I was to leave the next day...back to Bangalore.....Following multiple interactions with loads of devil's advocates (special mention to my local guardians in Bangalore - Ashwin-Preethy), I decided to give my life another chance...


Disheveled with a strong musk perfume, I met her the second time at Pizza hut at Nungambakkam.....on the 23rd of July.....I opened the most despicable chapters of my life that included smoking, drinking and the madam episode....with great patience she listened and responded, "I want to you to quit smoking.....tone down drinking......for the rest of our lives if you remain mine....thats all I expect..".....My response, "how sure are you?"....she said, "99%".....I asked, "whats this 1%?"....she replied, "because you have not decided"....I asked for time and boy did I get it....at that busy signal at nungambakkam, I stood watching her start her scooty....for once I felt that if I let this woman go NOW, it would probably haunt me for the rest of my life.....I pretended to be oblivious of her presence as I searched for my cab in the confusion....In that confusion a baloon hung over my head that said, "its now or never".....


On my way to airport, I thought about all the women who had come and gone.....all having spent considerable time with me....draining me all of what I had......making me re-invent myself every SINGLE TIME..... did they bother? NOPES..... how long did I know this lady? 1 week...and within a week....a week thats all she took to make a life changing decision....with unknown follies and my idiosynchrasies.... what was wrong with this lady? I debated.....but to my dismay I found no opposition..... I was sure that I was missing some point....what was it.....I was already at Guindy by this time....and I still had no answer.....The otherwise mundane looking blackberry looked like hanuman pleading to be dialed.....I dialed her...."Make your 99%, 100%"....and thats how Sindhu happened.....


No fake names now....its open now....the soul mate has been found.....the search has ended....Its a madrasi......a madrasi with a tamilian accent of hindi.....a madrasi who can switch to tam abuses at the drop of a hat....a madrasi who broke my dams of racism.... a madrasi who believed in your's truly's confused ideologies.....a madrasi who remains in awe of my convoluted version of world...a madrasi who when gets upset I sing, "why this Kolaveri?"


We are not perfect and neither do we aspire to be one......we box each other, when required.... and the final declaration is on 26 Feb 2012.....

So, my faithful followers...a new chapter begins....you are invited for the same....

I missed "Myself"

I was wondering why I have never had enemies or people I have hated. My pretentions at times confused me. There was nobody better than me and nobody couldn't be worse than me.


And then the realization dawned about a couple of days back while waiting for the last drop of beer dive into my mouth from the pint bottle held aloft like a trophy.


I have always been obsessed with myself. Whether it is my talent - a largely "underutilized" kitchen knife yet brandished like a sword at small public gatherings or my own experiments with people ending with some sort of heart pain. I have loved this outlook of life where I am the protogonist and I am the audience to the story of my life.


I cannot remain emersed under the ocean of grief like a saint on a penance and neither can I burst in laughter and joy like a cracker on fire. I do, however, violently swing between these two extremes like Tarzan. It irritates people....but who cares....


While reading through my old blog entries, I realised that I was at my expression best when I was most discontent. The pain and sorrow never took me to sea bed and the joy never took me to seventh heaven. That was a state where my thoughts were at their best as I was constantly at a state of "half empty glass".


Having reached both the crest and trough in the last year and half year, I am slowly switching to the mediocrity in life. In nut shell, I missed "Myself". There is no other way to describe it. So, soon there will be a spate of nice perspectives on life as this blog unfolds from hereon.

In Bangalore

It was the most clear morning in many days... 16th February 2010. For a long time till that day, Delhi was engulfed in a fog that birds found it difficult to navigate leave alone planes. The night before I wondered, if my flight would take off. But this morning was starkly different.




As I splashed the cold water on my face, trying to relieve my eyes of the alocohol oozing out of it, it stung me like a scorpion. My parents were ready.. I checked my bags again.... tickets, i.d. proofs, money, credit cards, documents..... all in place...my sister and my brother-in-law came down. My nephew wanted to bid me goodbye last night, but the noise of the late night party murdered his innocent wishes... I have been that way for a long time.....dead........and killing everything that is even remotely assuring.....



What was I feeling? Was I sad, glad, excited, afraid.. I wanted to be sure of what I wanted to feel... time was passing faster than I wanted it to.. and my silly mind was still undecided on my expression....all baggages dumped in the car.... and it was over... there was no fog.. nothing..

It was like a normal entry to the airport... as I walked into the check in counter, I saw my mother wiping tears off her eyes, I wondered again... Should I also cry..... Am I supposed to......Callous as I am , I waved and moved towards the security cheking....

Just a second before entering the aircraft , I took a longer than normal breath inside...... to take in Whatever I could, memories, people, events, relations, friends, places,... the air of Delhi.....I landed in Bangalore to a wonderful weather, with a board that said, "Deepak Srinivas, welcome to Bangalore"....

An era concludes

When you look at individuals, the intial feeling am saying... you have this intuition with you... this person is nice or this person is bad.........you look at my father... and the first thought that comes to your mind, "genuine"... his smile says it all...

Yesterday was his last day at office... yes, he retired after a long innings as a civil servant working in various capacities. His colleagues at office had organised a small function for him, felicitating him on his contribution to colleagues and the department. Unlike the churlish ones that we have in school, college and in some cases PGs, this one was bereft of theatrics and melodrama. Quite expectedly though given the crowd is physically not in a condition to go "Chiggy-Wiggy". All of us went for the function - my mother, sister, my brother-in-law and me of course. It was a smallish hall with a seating of about 100 people, but it was not filled to capacity.

The event began with a some Mr. Sharma talking at length on my father's contribution to the office, his honesty, his integrity, hardworking, helpful, insightful, and most importantly a very non-controversial personality. For a second I felt that I was attending a PTA meeting except that the child in this case had just turned 60 years. Since, it was not a public speaking competition, the others that followed found solace in using the same set of adjectives in praising him. Quite banal but innocent I thought. At the end of it, my father was asked to make a final comment on the proceedings. My father is not the one to come out with immediate topics of interesting conversations and definitely not the one great at public speaking , but rather somebody who mostly prefers to speak only when forced to do so. He thanked the most important couple of people like seniors and colleagues (we were never mentioned.. imagine the error) and he thanked the rest. There were refreshments post that.

While returning from the function we had this little fight over what we wanted to do after the function. While we hijacked him to the nearest 5-star, he came out of the car mumbling. "What?", I asked. "I wanted to go to temple first.", he said. "You should have told so?", My mother responded. "You just took me here, what was I supposed to do?", My father retorted. "So, lets go there. Its anyways not too late.", my sister said. I told my father while returning home, "Lets keep the channels of communication open... always."

It was only till the time he retired to bed that I saw him relaxed. He was all nervous and excited the whole time. I wanted to reason it out and so did others, but I managed to shift the conversation to some friendly family gossip.

At night I thought of his journey from tamil hinterland to the babu in delhi. To have found his lady love in a place at least a 2,000 kms from his birthplace. To have managed to master an alien language and culture. To have moved from a single room flat in naraina to a two bed-room apartment in Dwarka. These things are material in nature and have probably not changed the person inside him who remains forever restrained. Though I felt I would write alot.. but may be I am so overwhelmed that I am short of words.. I would prefer it that way..

Dev always says, "Stop romanticising everything around you." Thats true, but I think in this one I would beg to differ...

Conversations with a married man

Me: hmmm

MM: What Hmmm?

Me: Interesting...

MM: What?

Me: This state of yours... I am quite jealous actually..

MM: Ohh shut, stop rubbing salt on my wounds..

Me: No.. really... U get good food.. u know breakfast-lunch-dinner types, u hav a date on weekends.. permanent one that too...

MM: You just crossed over to being the dumbest person alive on earth...

Me: Well, where was I earlier?

MM: You were getting dumber, but now I just have to pronounce you as the dumbest..

Me: Thats a revelation.. but why this sudden realization of reality.. I thought you had a love marriage?

MM: Not exactly

Me: Oh.. Come on..

MM: Really.. we just knew that we would be able to tolerate each other....

Me: What are you saying??

MM: Yup.. most marriages happen that way...the "so-called" love marriages

Me: Elaborate

MM: Well, there are two kinds of people who get married...

Me: Ok.. and..

MM: The two ends of the spectrum basically.. the ones who have had lots of relationships and the ones who havent. The one's who have had lots of relationships, over time realise that the novelty part is missing, except the sex part.. and then they get bored of that as well....so, they decide.. look here is a woman/ man I know, she/he is nice company, tolerates my idiosynchrasies, lends me emotional support, acceptable to my parents, presentable before my friends, is fine with my dining habits..so lets go ahead with that..

Me: Isnt it a very emotional decision?? You are just putting it across as if you are buying a television.

MM: Not at all..kuchh emotion-vemotiona nahi hota yaar...all practicality

Me: What about valentine's day?

MM: WHAT??

Me: Nothing... what about the other types?

MM: Well, yeah... the losers basically.. like you..

Me: what do you mean?

MM: Lets be pragmatic about it... Have you ever been in a relationship?

Me: Once in school....

MM: Shut up, lets leave the puppy love out of it... so basically you have zero experience of anything thats got to do with a girl

Me: Excuse me, I have alot of friends who are females and...

MM: yeah yeah yeah.. you know guys like you are just "good" friends"... Tum log saale achhe dost bane reh jaate ho, aur kuchh ukhaad nahi paate....

Me: I think thats quite rude....(laughing myself on the fact).. go on...

MM: I do mean the physical intimacy, but basically you are never in the thick of things.. you know what I mean?

Me: Nopes..

MM: OK... You know like being involved with a person.. knowing her likes and dislikes.....the important dates, her friends, colleagues, relatives, when will she cry, what makes her laugh, what movies she likes....

Me: Stop stop stop.. u kidding me??

MM: Well, no.. but thats the way it is....am talking of relationship here and not merely screwing around...so, guys like you who have never tasted the forbidden fruit are quite excited on the whole prospect of having a 24 hr female company....

Me: yeah, may be. whats wrong with that? So, what if we long for it?

MM: Did I say that there is anything wrong with it? Point is after marriage, all these girls become wives, girlfriends become wives..and fiances become wives...

Me: And??

MM: Well, the whole scene changes for the guy..

Me: Doesnt it for the girl?

MM: It does, but I guess they are more prepared..

Me: Nonsense..

MM: Well, I see it from guy's perspectives. So, lets keep one end of the equation constant.... I feel claustrophobic from this constant scrutiny...

Me: What scrutiny?

MM: Who are you meeting? When will you come home? Did you pay those bills? Did you talk to my mother/ father? Can we have dinner outside? When will we go to our next holiday? Why are your parents here all the time? blah blah blah... basically they areplaying the 20 question game all the time...

Me: Dont you think these are all relevant questions?

MM: Well, they are, but they do strangulate you when they are asked daily from you..

Me: Is there a solution?

MM: Nopes, it is inevitable...

Me: What about the emotional security? Isnt that important in this stress these days?

MM: Thats a good point. It is a definitely a pillar.. but..

Me: But?

MM: you do get attracted to other women?

Me: I think thats fine.. attraction is natural and...

MM: I am talking of involvement..

Me: You are talking about infedility

MM: Its reality

Me: Nonsense.. I think thats prepostorous..

MM: Seriously.. I think its fine if it remains under wraps..

Me: What bullshit?

MM: its subjective..

Me: U out of your mind?... Its wrong for heaven's sake....

MM: Even if the woman is doing it?

Me: Of course. you can look at it, whichever way you want to.. its wrong all the way...

MM: Ha ha ha

Me: Why that laughter?

MM: Am just amused at your naivity.. Deepak, its happening all around you.. you cannot be an ostrich all the time...

Me: Well, I like being one and am happy about it.. Come on man... Whats the bloody difference between you and animals maan... think about your spouse for a second...

MM: yeah yeah.. dnt you think you need to chill out a bit..

Me: of course not.. this is utter nonsense.. you cannot be justifying your stance for everything that you do... I agree that you know under certain circumstances, you do feel attracted out of wedlock, but doesnt mean that it gives everybody that kind of license

MM: Who gives that license?

Me: I think one must make one's own decisions keeping everything in mind..

MM: What everything? You live your life once.. cant you live it to the maximum?

Me: Thats the most ridiculous justification MM, then might was well not get married..

MM: Exactly.. so, thats the point I wanted to make you udnerstand...all this while.. phewww.... no marriage.. no commitment... no confusion and the world's a happy place.....

Me: Ohhh.. yes.. so, it was all planned.. this entire conversation...

MM: Kind of.. I mean I liked your assumptions about me

(Laughter)

Nostalgia in DTC Bus

"Your vehicle is polluting..", said the PUC officer. "What are you saying man, its not even an year old... aisa kaise ho sakta hai??", I asked him. " Get it serviced", he said. For a second I stood their numb and in morbid fear. "HOW WILL I GO TO OFFICE"...... the thoughts kept bouncing in my head till I took a few deep breathes and reminded myself of my days when I used to hang by the footboards of the buses....

I woke up early the next day and headed towards the metro station. In between I changed my mind and took a detour towards the nearest auto stand. I justified my stance to myself by saying, "I will get late if I take the Metro.. "... I did a quick math a realised that paying a few more bucks to the atuo driver, I was gettting a direct and comfortable ride to office. I further underlined my ridiculous justification by thinking, "this is my contribution to the sagging economy...".. Bullshit!!!

While returning I decided that I cannot be this ididot. I was not born in a car for god's sake. I decided to take an Auto to the nearest metro station. I dutched an auto with a colleague. As fate would have it, I had to abandon that auto and was left stranded near Dyal Singh college. With my slinging bag, I suddenly observed the people around me. A couple on the bus stop - the girl was crying and the boy had his arms around her trying to console her... it was cold was well....she started to smile... yeah.. may be he just whispered a joke to her.... a lady in her forties was sitting right beside them and was lost in some thought.... her purse was clapsed in her hands... she had lines on her forehead... the time read 7 pm....the glittering sign board on the bus stop across the road tried desperately to hide the tension in her eyes....there was one dude on the road, who was all wired.....his eyes closed, he was tapping the road with his reebok shoes....a few oldies rubbishing the state of indian politics and how it is going to dogs.....no female whatsoever...what is the state of delhi??...Is it no longer safe for women to travel by bus at night....Dont the lecherous and rowdies have no emotion at all - for gentle nice men like me who long for a romantic story line each time they venture into public transport be it bus, train or plane..... good god...

Finally a bus arrived... I "enquired" from the conductor, "Yeh, CP jaayegi.."... I boarded the bus and was greeted with the familiar seating arrangement....2X2...and of course the black pillars and the parellel bars on the roof....I stood near the conductor and sought a ticket....from a bunch of stapled tickets, he took out the ticket for me... punching out the bus stops, he handed over the ticket to me.......I took a seat and looked around......Did I say I "enquired"?... How could that be? there was hardly any route on delhi buses that I had not travelled.... Probably a few numbers of west delhi, but definitely not south delhi.... Priyas was our favorite hang out place... and I have been on this route numerous times..... I coudnt believe my own memory and my inability to associate myself with this fact...

As the bus chugged along at a gingerly pace, I was reminiscient of my college days... Sitting on the backseat, we used to roam around the roads of delhi with a free bus pass....my jukebox would dole out kishore hits and the others in the bus would join me as well... sometimes a pen salesman would enter and make a brillaint sales pitch, which I would mimic before a crowd and generate an applause and laughter......These theatrics were an ego boost.... or the time when I left my seat in a crowded bus , 'cause I mistook the lady at the front door as my Ex.......or the time when I was ragged for the first time by my college seniors......or the time when the exam next day did not deter me from paying a visit to Abhisek who had an accident........ or when I would marvel at Gupta's humility for travelling alongside us in buses.......or when Upasna would shout at men sitting on ladies' seat.......

As I deboarded that DTC, I thought of the people I had met along the way..... the bus for me is no longer a means of transport, for me its a time machine... and a leveller....."Never forget that you travelled in this bus, it gives you your ability to appreicate the comfort you enjoy today.. whatever little that you have..."

Branding People

Me: So? Whats so great about Pepsi?

Arvind: My friends say that two guys cannot finish one bottle by themselves

Me: Rubbish..

Arvind: Really, lets buy one..

Me: Ok.. Give me one Pepsi bhaiyya

That 250 ml bottle stared at us like a challenge. I looked at Arvind. Arvind gulped, then me , then Arvind, then me ... it went for a couple of minutes.. until we were burping like dragons... people passed wierd stare at us. We realised the bottle was still just half empty. The wavey logo of Pepsi looked like a smiling devil mocking at our incompetence. More than that it was the Rs. 3 that was going to cost our misadventure. Me and Arvind shouted together, " Jai mata kiiiiiii..." In the next few minutes we finished the bottle. Hi-Fives were all around... It was during the ten minute walk back home, we realised our mistake as the burping went overboard and we had tears in our eyes..... That was June 1990... I was 8 and Arvind was 10...

Pepsi went on roping in many famous personalities from Aamir Khan till Dhoni to make a name from themselves. As per the FDI guidelines they should have been listed on the Indian bourses long back, but its the amounting loses that has sent them pleading to the North Block exempting from the regulatory hassles (Stop boring readers with this rubbish and unwarranted information). They spent most of these losses in "marketing" themselves.. branding... whatever...

I think people themselves are brands. Like this intersting conversation with another friend of mine with whom I was having (most of my conversations are interesting, else I dont have it...)..during the converation I said, "You know what, you have so many ideas and you think so much you could be... a super hero.. brain woman..hohahhao"..she responded, "ohh puleasseee, you are just cynical... you know what cynical man... if at all I become a super hero, I will pulverise your cynical thoughts with my brain waves.." the laughter continued for some time.... But I realised that we do infact brand people...

Like one of our college professorsss.. lets not take names... this "self-proclaimed" economics professor who downloaded jazzy PPTs from net and who on the click of the button while making the presentation would have no semblance of reality as to which graph will appear before the class for him to explain...this guy was called "Phantom".. Like Phantom you would never know when, where and how he would appear to make a surprise inspection..... Like the skeleton ring, he would carry the inspection sheet and would fine people..... the most peculiar thing about him were his spectacles. They were thick rimmed and covered his entire face. You could see his eyes popping out of those two sockets.....

Like Mr. Ankur Aggarwal, a renowned batchmate who was the first one to ackowledge love in our Alcatraz called "Symbiosis" was called Peter F Drucker... no not because that he was an equally astute management thinker... but once during an intellectually stimulating and stormy session on Marketing strategy (During which most of us were also strategising... in our dreams..) Mr. Aggarwal woke up from a hibernation spanning some 2 hours and asked a question that stumped even the professor who on hearing the question for a second thought that he was in a chemistry class, "Sirrr.... what is the content of fatty acid in the soap..".... the lecturer replied, "class dismissed"

Or our very own Atanu....Atanu as I have mentioned in my earlier blogs is a 6 foot dark and bulky guy...... People mistake him to be bouncer of a renowned club in Delhi. But he is not. He is a gentle giant. A cetain cynical guy in one of his satirical mood called him "Whale". For a while we despised this certain address to Atanu. But then once we saw... Atanu lying on his stomach, with his legs in the air.. flapping as if he was in water and his two hands resting his body and also typing on the laptop..... yes, he did resemble a "Whale"...

Very close a senior colleague of mine was called "Gabbar".....His mere shout could send tremors on the floor he was shouting in..... horror stories of people quitting on him shouting are still famous....I have been a victim myself on a number of occassions, but I think I turned out to be the "Achilles" heel.......

Or Kisaan.... his distinct style reminded us of a farmer who never had a good crop.... even if the Monsoon was 100% in the country, his particular patch of land would remain bereft of water......he was so distrssed that he had wrinkles on his forehead like the lines on a cursive writing practice book....

I think when we name people, there is of course a certain level of humour involved, but its because all these "named" people represent a certain emotion, an event, style, passion and wht not... people with no names are actually quite boring people... trust me... so if you do not have a name already... its time you got one.......

While walking down one moonlit night in Mumbai near Inorbit Mall, Arvind asked me, "you remember the pepsi incident"... "I sure do", I said...." "Quite exciting for us at that age...." Arvind said..... Arvind asked, "What is exciting for us at this age?"......"Mondegar", I said..... We both smiled at each other......