Growing up and what comes with it

So, am imploding these days...does it matter..no it doesnt ..'cause few people know about it (pardon for the punctuations)..... but people can notice that I carry this long face with myself.... I dont talk too much..barring a few clients who hear the same bullshit from me which they hear from more smart people than me...

Well, it started the other day when one friend of mine accused me of getting cynical off late...ashwin feels that I am always looking for jugaad for getting my way out...... parents feel that I am an arrogant bastard who thinks that family is a burden and the home is a hostel....Jayant-dev-atanu-shagun combo feel that I think too much of myself that I ignore their missed calls when they so want to discuss lewd jokes.....

Very sorry to admit, but all these are correct....yes..shocking..well... not quite......



From the time I graduated from college...CBS i.e.....I used to write about Life being this and that....without having nill experience experience of what the world was all about..... with my feet flying high, I just had one way to go.....down



I met many people who turned me over to the other side of life which was quite different from the premise I was holding on to... I think it was the start of MBA when it all started... Suddenly found myself surrounded by people who were pouncing on every little opportunity of pulling you down..."thats life".....Well quite a shock for me.....

We were quite a close knit group when I left college and the distance made it difficult to participate in day to day issues where friend's opinion mattered...While I tried to hold on to these friends, they preferred to graze on greener pastures...... I met Madam X, who thought that one must always give room to individual space...I disagreed.....and realised quite late as to how true it was..... These friends of mine met people who went about their own business minding little about those around them...live the moment and people around you...no strings attached...you wanna cry, then find somebody else...call me only if you want to have fun......so, they changed accordingly...... I was a little slow in these matters.....

I constantly struggled to define my boundaries with people as too much proximity was leading to disasters...professionally i realised that basically people are corrupt and you just have to find the right price for them...price??? I thought to myself.....even though I tried hard to distance myself from the malice...it just kept growing over me.....business or no business...it was all about finding the right price....monetary or emotional......each time you met somebody you were judging the person, trying to know the one point that will crack the person.....

I also then overtime became extremely adept at lying...it came very naturally....and i realised that people were happier if you lied to them.....clients, friends, associates, relatives, parents.....everywhere it worked like a well oiled machinery..... despite getting sick of this, it was my easy way out of difficult situations.........

It soon became a habit, everywhere I went the moment I met new people, I would start to analyze their behavior...quite needlessly...judging them....needlessly.....trying to find a fault in them...May be to make myself feel better about the whole thing......

Part of the problem also lies with the fact that I am far too nice and adjusting......While people would shout at me, I would listen to them, calm them down, in some cases even apologise to ensure the relationship hung on.....I, may be wrong, have come to realise that I was wrong....about the whole fact of having people to talk to , to listen to you....well there is no point when the responsibility to save it rests with only one person... I felt betrayed on many occassions...so many of them that I do not feel wont of those people any more.....

I have this really bad habit of "self-persecution".......if I feel that from what I expect is a very basic expectation and that remains unfulfilled, I ensure the destruction of whatever little I have.... its quite cynical I know, but I cannot hang on to something which constantly reminds of the fact that it remained unfulfilled....... It not about all or none... I do not know how to define it...

Its quite unlike me or like me or the other blogs were unlike me.....Really its difficult to know which one was me.....

Yesterday, me and my sister drove down to "165 c, timarpur"...... Trying to locate ourself on the little ground that was in front of the house, or the battered letterbox which my sister would check at 4:30 every single day, or the little pavement at the end of alley to our house where I would sit in confused emotions of anger and fear of running away from home, or the little garden where we grew ladyfingers, or the edge of the elevated ground from where I have fell on numerous occassions and bruised myself many times, or the....(the thoughts break with a voice)

A little girl: Are you looking for somebody?
Me: Just trying to find out if I am still alive here...some where......